I haven’t blogged in a while because each time I come here all I want to do is spill negativity – frustrations with life, frustrations with the job, annoyance at my lot with life. I AM UNHAPPY. There I said it. It really isn’t a secret nor is it a revelation. I’ve probably been unhappy for several years now that I think about it, but I’ve been really unhappy as of late. It doesn’t help when you are surrounded by other unhappy frustrated people. No bueno!
The thing is though, I do not want to end up to be that bitter old jaded hag. My goodness no! Therefore I have resolved that I need to take better care of my soul. Conventional wisdom says to fake the funk until you make it. Why I don’t know. If I’m sad what’s so bad about being sad and looking sad? Why the false advertisement with faking a smile day in and day out so that others are comfortable? Certainly, an inauthentic smile to hide unhappiness can further worsen one’s mood. However, it seems that the general thought is that it is socially expected that we all fake happiness in our daily encounters with people, and to not do so is to be self-absorbed and selfish. But who lied that in life we must be happy? Life is not a cake-walk right? If I want to walk around with a mean-mug face, why not? If I’m actually polite in my social interactions and in my intonation, does it really matter if all of that is not accompanied by a smile, or by a twinkle in my eye, or by the show of my dimples?
Now one can state I obviously have too much time on my hands if I can sit around thinking about myself and why I’m not as happy as I think others are. But in this my state of supposed self-absorption/self-pity, I can actually see misery all around – in other people’s lives and I know that they are mostly faking it and I wonder why? But whatever the reason is, it’s actually quite comforting to me. At least I know that I’m not insane. And that simple answers like “welcome Jesus/religion into your heart”, or “get married”, or “have children” aren’t really answers because there are people who have all of that and are still unhappy. Nope! I don’t envy what others have. Even if I did get past all my current issues, I’m only going to get out there and get new ones.
So I’m going to let the bitterness go. In the words of the great Richard Fish, bygones! That would actually be easier if I didn’t have a temper – that ability for my temperature to shoot from 0 to 100 in seconds flat when someone or something reminds me of an old wound. Oh well, bygones! I do know that when I’m pissed at the world for hours I’m not hurting anyone but myself. Actually, when I was much younger, I used to pout (I probably still do) because you weren’t supposed to talk back to your parents or the elders, so I would keep it all in and the bitterness would just fester on and on. My mother used to say that my mouth would get stuck like that – my big fat lips protruding out for miles. Laughing out loud! But seriously. No bueno!
The real truth is, I probably don’t want to be too happy or content.
Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That’s the
fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What
do you know? I’m having a great time and I don’t even know it.